Rabu, 14 September 2016

State of Confusion

It's 2.30 am and I cant sleep. An hour ago I sat down, hugging a pillow, and talked to myself in front of a mirror. Yes, I reached that level of sadness; self-talks, difficult to sleep, and no appetite (yes, I only ate once a day for the last 4-5 days).

I admit that I am vulnerable, but I hate to show that vulnerability to other people. And I am aware of writing this in a blog, that I called a 'public platform', because right now, I just want everybody to know. Well maybe not everyone, but anyone, who happens to read this blog.

Have you ever tried so hard not to hurt anyone, but at the end of the day you find yourself as the one who gets hurt the most? Well, it sucks. And it hurts, bad. Or maybe that's just how women are; when you hurt her she cries, and when she hurts you she cries.

And is it a crime to keep your heart to yourself, just because you want to look for someone who builds you up, no matter how high you may already be?
A guy who is superior; one who can cheer you up, one who cares, one who shares happy and sorrow, one who opens up all of his vulnerability - and accept mine at the same time, one who loves me just the way I am, .......someone different.

I have been asking myself: What's so good about you to deserve such man? As a person who have problems with self confidence, that is one damn hard question to answer. And no, I am not exaggerating things, I am honestly, having a hard time to find anything that I could be proud of. And maybe that is the reason why I feel low most of the times, why I am so afraid to start a new chapter with someone new, to start over a new beginning. It's not because I am afraid of commitments, I am afraid of surrendering control too quickly to a hand that wont know how to hold it. ........Ewh, that sounds cheesy af. But true.

I dont know, my body is right here, but my mind is everywhere...or maybe my heart is. Or maybe both, I'm not sure. Thoughts are full in the moment. And you know what makes it even worse? Period. I am all alone, I have no one to talk to (not to mention the fact that: no one cares), I always find sujud as my number one drug. When you can just tell everything that you feel, even though He knows, when you are free to open up your bare-naked soul without fear of being rejected, no matter how many tears that stream down your face, no matter how lost you feel, how low you are. And with all overwhelming emotions and crappy situations that I am in, not being able to pray sucks.

Well, I dont know what to do. At the moment I just want to shut down my world and get busy, because being busy distracts me from thinking about things. Well I know this because I just happens to be somebody's distraction, a distraction is never a priority, right? What am I talking about, I dont know. I said I dont know too much, I'm sorry, but I really don't know.

All I know at the moment is.....I am not in an okay state.

I think I write enough, this should stop, or else.

Dont forget to be happy!
Zahra Irawan